Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Florida Man Commits Suicide over Election

So, if you want to feel better about all the Texans in your Facebook feed who are threatening secession in the wake of Barack Obama's reelection, here's something even stupider. The stupider thing comes from Florida, naturally. Henry Hamilton, a 64-year-old resident of Key West, apparently committed suicide on November 8, after claiming that "if Barack gets re-elected, I'm not going to be around." Empty prescription bottles for Xanax and Seroquel (for the treatment of schizophrenia) were found in the condo Hamilton shared with his partner, Michael Cossey.

The report in the Miami Herald raises a few questions:

First, the article says that Hamilton was the "owner of Tropical Tan on Duval Street." Who the hell lives in Key West, Florida, and goes to a tanning salon.

Second, Hamilton wrote "Fuck Obama!" on his will before killing himself. Does anyone know if this entails a legal obligation on his partner to have sex with the president?

Third, why do articles like this one always end with lines like this: "President Obama, a Democrat, defeated Republican challenger Mitt Romney to win a second four-year term"? Why not "A 'prescription' is a document created by a medical professional that gives a patient access to a controlled substance, typically for therapeutic or palliative use"?

1 comment:

  1. As for the third point, the Herald is presumably just trying to be helpful to its large readership of early-stage Alzheimer's victims, who know all about prescriptions but may have forgotten about last week's election by now.

    Just kidding. Who knows?